Fenced in...

So, it's been awhile. Sorry about that. I've been reflecting....a lot, in fact. All I can offer as an excuse is that I took two Tylenol PM after midnight several weeks ago and I'm only slightly exaggerating when I tell you that I woke up face down on the bathroom floor three days later wearing a clown nose with Veggietales blaring in the far reaches of my consciousness. And I just haven't been the same since.... kinda in a walking Dyphenhydramine daze....

Thursday night I got my haircut...a lot....and layered....and straightened. That's not the story here though. A tangent really... but, I'm gonna run with it for a sec... as David was covering his salon floor with wisps and chunks of my mane, he kept staring at my lips. And I mean staring...which of course was making me very self-conscious. Very. Self-conscious. Anyway, just as I was about to ask if I had broccoli hanging out, or maybe if it was time for an upper lip wax, he said (in a very even tone), "Sorry I've been staring at your lips...it's just that they are SO SPARKLY." Hmmm, sparkly anything is usually a compliment in my book, but in a quick flash I recalled M. asking if she could put lipgloss on me before I walked out of the house. So, I let her and of course she chose the most pink, the most sparkly, the most glossy Dora lip gloss in all the world... (can't say that I fault her for this). He bends down in front of me and says, "I'm pretty sure there is actual glitter in there." Yes, there was. And yes, as long as I have little girls to blame it on, I just may wear it again....

As much as I could go on about lipgloss, the real story here is what I came home to after the great hair massacre. I walked in the kitchen and there were two fish. In a bowl. Swimming around. Alive. And my palms started sweating. And my breath shallowed. And I felt a little woozy and nauseous... and for me, all of these familiar symptoms point to two words... commitment issues. (Well...and pregnancy...but for this reflection, they pointed to commitment issues...)

Apparently, Lily Pad and Isabelle (Yes, my girls had already given them names) had been given to us at some military family appreciation night... which is really great, but why does everything given by the military involve some kind of commitment....sheesh. You have access to my husband 24/7, 365, I've moved 9 times in the past 10 years and I've have to say good-bye to good friends every new PCS cycle. So really... something alive? That I am supposed to keep alive? Ay caramba. As you can imagine, this "situation" had little to do with these two fish and a lot to do with my commitment issues. So, after I took a little break from the fish and breathed into a paper bag for several minutes, I reflected. 'Cause that's what I do when I'm being neurotic.

Ok Tava... (I usually only call myself by my first name if I'm acting ridiculous... or if I get too sarcastic... or if I just really need to get my point across, but it is nice to know that we're on a first name basis...) What gives? You've been married 10 years, you have two kids, a dog, a house, two magazine subscriptions, you buy in bulk and you're freaking out about having to commit to two goldfish? This isn't normal. To which I responded, "I never claimed to be normal... and I think I've really come a long way from where I started...so just. back. off."

I quickly took a mental inventory of the things that once made me feel "fenced in." Alright let's see... relationships, memberships, journals, leases, watches and bracelets, sleeping on the same side of the bed every night, car payments, tattoos, checking out library books, RSVPs, address labels, the neckline on t-shirts, plans more than 3 days in advance, buying items in bulk, bumper stickers, seat belts, putting my name on a waiting list, potted plants, owning things that are alive, lay-a-way, enrolling in something, speed limits, watching a show on TV regularly, any type of subscription and the list just goes on and on from there.... Do these sound ridiculous to you? I can assure you that I have a valid reason for each and every one.... You see how bad my problem is?? I even feel fenced in by ending punctuation... which is evident by all of the ellipses that I use when I write... What the heck? I have managed to shave a few of them off of my list (mostly by convincing myself that they are really Jay's commitments).... but I'm a little embarrassed to admit that many still remain...

Well, as much as I'd love to introduce you to Lily Pad, I'm afraid after less than 24 hours in my care, Isabelle is the only one that hasn't been flushed... Sorry Lily P, rest in peace.... and Dear Air Force, how about some stickers and a little thing of bubbles for the kids next time...

So my Dears, please tell me... what makes you feel "fenced in"?